To thine self be true.

I’ve thought long and hard about what it is that bothers me. The world to me is scary. Every time I think I understand something, something else shocks me. But my biggest worry is how desperate and vain the world is. Everybody wants everything, the world has lost its patience and has begun to spiral out of control, no one lives by their means anymore, and everything has to come down to a competition, a comparison of thy neighbour. The couple who max their credit cards at Christmas to buy everything that is expected by their children, to be good parents who have good jobs and good incomes but lost their way through the year, now as the joy is over they realise the mess and struggle ahead of them, the gifts get forgotten, lost with the message of giving that was supposed to passed on with them; now the torment of paying it all back is a reality.  If I have to stay here, then I want to do so alone, like an ostrich has its head in the sand, I have my home and my family and I will hide myself. Each morning I fear even the sunlight, something so sacred, the warmth that all winter I crave for, the driving force of life, inspiring me, warming my blood as it shows me new life in spring. But that’s been taken from me, I cringe to pull the curtains and let even a beam of light enter my life, I resent even the natural world. Preferring the dark shadows of night, the beacon that is the glowing moon, so bright but so cold, the epitome of loneliness as it sits night after night staring down on us wondering why so many hide from its company as soon as its sibling settles in the west.

I’m not sure if I ever really had a problem with loneliness yet we are all programmed to experience a life with company. It is sort of droned into us from an early age before we ever have the chance to learn anything different. With age come decisions and the end of the learning curve. You start to consider consequences before making the leap of faith, taking into account past experiences and conclusions. Despite the fact that I had experienced a relationship and fathered a child, it hadn’t worked out for the best, I was alone again and for the longest time in my life, I enjoyed it and hated it but I suppose most of all I understood it a little better, but I was still young. I still allowed things to affect me because after all I still didn’t know or understand fully what it was to live your life. I had my opinions and tastes and nothing was going to alter that and damn it, I had learnt that from these choices I now cared little of other peoples opinions of me. But as for spending time, that is, my life with someone, I still thought this to be something worth while, I guess I still believed in love and happiness, and I still do. But it is the affliction of every young individual to not be patient but to live with your heart on your sleeve. To dive head first into everything that spurs an interest. That is when we get hurt and caught in the wreckage. We meet someone, we open up to them, we talk endlessly for hours with them and then when the time comes that they don’t want to reciprocate, bang, it’s the end of the world, ‘why?’ We ask ourselves. There is nothing or no one to tell you the reasons or the answers definitively. It’s just another piece of the puzzle in working out what it’s all really about.

But for me I suppose it stems from a lifetime of being ignored, or rather people just not listening, always having the larger voice. It’s fine though, I grew up faster, understand the world a little better, and know who I am. I'm not a recluse but at the same time it’s easy to seclude yourself a little to avoid peer pressure. But I think to question yourself gives you a stronger moral backbone. But it also stems into other emotions, I question the lifestyle I lead in respect of my job in which I dislike and feel trapped. Everyone says I can change, do something different like it’s that easy, I have responsibilities. I am a muzzled dog wanting to bite that bad mans leg; it seems I am constantly restricted and always in the moments of clarity, when the words and ideas flow; like fish in a strong current, they twitch their tails and are gone no sooner than they are disturbed. Leaving such bait to be returned to the owner, only to be discarded and forever lost- wasted in the mind field of original thought and theory.

A fetal pose to hold my own,

My youthful source declining,

A primal curse of mine alone,

Mental torment thriving.

Don’t stay with me or get too close,

Your very sight offends me,

I’ll fight you all to protect my own,

My troubled mind compels me.

I regret lots of choices that were perhaps put on me early on life when as kids we don't have the maturity to understand. How are we supposed to know what we want to do as a career unless we are pushed in someway, only now do I know. I regret choices and decisions I made in my personal life that have left people hurt, or gone forever and they'll never know how I felt because I couldn't express myself, which leads full circle to being ignored, my opinions being quashed; it became easiest to be quiet. Life’s hard, I'm not unhappy, I'm married and have a son, but I'm mindful of the past, the future and the world around me. I know who I am and will not have it any other way.
 But what is the meaning of life? This is it;

To be yourself, evolve as a person and procreate. Make something of your life by using your mind. It’s not always about the bigger picture, I think for the sake of sounding shallow, you have to focus on yourself, you may or not affect the world we live in but so long as you are the best you can be then you've succeeded.

If you take away these metal walls,

A dark cloud lingers.

Twisted as the sycamore falls,

A reverie of former glory.

Cultures bombard a hazy sky,

A hunt to find the sunlight.

Flashes of genius, incandescent

As a flash light on a weathered cliff,

No way to warn those that follow.

Frustration reeks of failure but 

Blooms like the snowdrops of winter.